Are Husbands To Blame?

A guy called Mike at Eternal Perspectives brought Joe Carter's marriage advice to my attention. It is Joe's contention that the best person to give marriage advice is a divorced person, whereas Mike thinks that a bizarre way of thinking, and cites the lamentable failure rate of remarriage after divorce. Of course, there is a grain of truth in Joe's contention, but on the whole I would agree with Mike. [Turns out that Joe's Post was a joke as Mike now notes at his blog]

But what I want to comment on is the very sad situation of some divorced men. For quite a few well-meaning people, when a marriage goes bad, it is the man's fault. This seems to be Joe's perspective. For example, here is a quote taken from the post linked to above:

Since my first wife left me for another woman, the idea that I could have been to blame came as a bit of a surprise.

"Let me get this straight," I said. "You turn gay and it's my fault the marriage didn't work out?"

"Keep in mind," she noted, "that I only lost interest in men after being married to you."

Touche

Or this one:

The key to working through these differences is learning to compromise. Normally this would mean finding common ground on which you both can agree. In marriage, however, compromise means that you let her get her way. You won't find that definition in the dictionary but its better that you learn the true meaning now rather than have it explained to you by her divorce lawyer.

Of course, it may be somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but others are quite serious about this. For instance, Gary Smalley in his book, If Only He Knew. What No Woman Can Resist, puts the following in capital letters surrounded by a box:

IF A COUPLE HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR MORE THAN FIVE YEARS, ANY PERSISTENT DISHARMONY IN THEIR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP IS USUALLY ATTRIBUTABLE TO THE HUSBAND'S LACK OF UNDERSTANDING AND APPLYING GENUINE LOVE. (p80)

And as you read further in the book, you can do away with the word, "usually" - he says he's still looking for his first exception.

And there are others. I could be quite wrong in this instance (of course, I don't think I am), but I seem to pick up in Glenn Miller's writings an overwhelming sense of responsibility for his divorce. This may well be justified, but it seems to have developed into a self/male inferiority complex when dealing with anything to do with gender. Another man who believes this is my pastor, who is happily married/never divorced. He believes and tells people that it is the husband's responsibility to make a marriage work, not the wife's.

Friends, I'm sorry, I just do not agree.

Are there guys who wreck their marriage because they do not understand their wives or apply genuine love? Absolutely. Do husbands have a responsibility for the health or ill-health of their marriage. Yes. But it is not always the case that primary responsibility falls on them for the state of their marriage.

I believe that marriage reflects Jesus and the Church - and by extension, Jesus and the individual believer. If someone walks away from their relationship with Jesus, is Jesus to blame? No. Has Jesus evidenced a lack of understanding and failed to apply genuine love? No. Then why should husbands necessarily bear responsibility for marriage problems or the break-up of a marriage? Yes, there is a horrifying dearth of responsible men in the world, but this is not a reason to place the ultimate blame on every male divorcee.

Men do not play their part as husbands perfectly - they are not Jesus. Women do not play their part as wives perfectly - they, too, are not Jesus (in relation to the Father). Men often not understand or apply genuine love, and women often do not know how to communicate their disappointment or hurt. There are different areas of strength in men and women, and there are different areas of culpable weakness. Some husbands respond positively to being told they are responsible for the problems in the marriage - usually because in those cases they are. But men are not automatically to blame for the marriage problems any more than Jesus is to blame for those Christians who walk away from Him.

People, - especially you men who are divorcees - stop slapping "Husband To Blame" on every marriage problem that comes your way. Self-flagellation is not a healthy thing.